Friday, October 31, 2014

Who Gets Shot After a Fleetwood Mac Concert?

Earlier this evening, Fleetwood Mac played the Verizon Center in Washington D.C. 

And what happened is something out of a nightmare because, when you drop off your kids so they can see the rock band play that rock and a roll music, it can all go south when someone takes the Angel Dust or the brown acid or a little of the Bolivian Marching Powder and starts confronting people about their preference for the sublime work of Peter Green...

Wait, is this 1977? Is this 2014? Because I can't tell anymore. Bizarre just ain't the word for it:

Three adults were shot and wounded near the Verizon Center late Friday night after a concert let out, authorities said.

Gunfire rang out near the intersection of 7th and F streets, in an area that had roughly 25 officers deployed over a couple-block radius in the hopes of keeping Halloween night safe, police Chief Cathy Lanier told reporters at the scene.

All three shooting victims suffered non- life-threatening injuries, according to the chief.

So, the takeaway here is, when you go to a Fleetwood Mac concert, run! Bullets gonna fly!

Somewhere in an ambulance, this got said tonight. "Dude, you got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert. What did you think was gonna happen?"

What went on at this concert to freak people out and cause a shooting spree? Wavy Gravy showed up and the kids did the marijuana again, didn't they? Oh, wait. Gravy is a little old even for the Mac. Did Mick Fleetwood show up without any drumsticks? Did the bass cabinet fall over? The piano lid crashed down and a roadie lost a hand again, right? Did they fail to play Paper Doll? Did Lindsey muff a solo somewhere?

Has anyone ever gotten shot after a Fleetwood Mac concert? Ever? Well, the answer to that question is, hell yeah, because, tonight, someone got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert.

I mean, you go to see The Who and you just know you're gonna die. You go to see the Rolling Stones and bodies roll. You go to see Pearl Jam--yep, you're dyin'.  You go to see Jose Feliciano--automatically dead. You don't die when you go to see Slipnot because everybody's cool and nobody fights. You go to see Lady Antebellum--you die. Inside, you die when you have to listen to Nickelback, so we got that reference in without a fuss. The band Great White is on tour, if you can believe, it, as we speak.


Great White.

They played the Deerfoot Casino with Slaughter. Tonight. You can't make that up. How is it that Great White can still go on tour after a hundred people died because that was their only entertainment option one night back in 2003? Oh, you silly fool--they've been on the road for years. Years. It's as if nothing happened and it's not like anyone's paying attention.

You'd expect a body count after those bands. Kanye can go play and nobody dies.

But Fleetwood Goddamned Mac? Really?

I have seen Rush play three times. Nobody died. You can't get shot coming out of a Rush concert because Rush fans don't get worked up about perceived slights to Bob Welch and they can't carry guns because their fanny packs are full of Magic the Gathering cards. They carry multi-sided dice, a picture of George R. R. Martin and hand lotion. I'm sorry, but these are the things that come up between friends.

I'm an old, old man. And Fleetwood Mac are just too freakin' old for me. I mean, talk about your moldiest middle of the road sort of crap. And there's such a demand for tickets that they couldn't play Merriwether or the 9:30 Club or Wolf Trap--they had to play Verizon Center?

Really? Someone got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert.

How do you go into work next week and explain how you got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert? Explain that conversation with Human Resources and management to me.

Remember talking about it on Friday afternoon before you ducked out, found some ditch weed from six months ago, and snuck down the Baltimore-Washington Parkway with your honey and her two dumb friends, trying to remember how you ended up bringing them in the first place? Remember explaining to everyone at work who was still listening and under the age of fifty how Fleetwood Mac were once A Thing and how they used to be a really popular band?

Bigger than The Cars, they thundered? Oh, yeah. Bigger than THE CARS. Not bigger than Hootie when the first album came out but damned bigger than Hootie now. And do you recall how you had to explain why you paid money to see that tired bunch of hacks get up there and wheeze away? Because you couldn't get tickets to see the Turtles or the Beach Boys? Or tickets to see the Caps blow a 3 goal lead?

As a cultural marker, if you're getting shot after a Fleetwood Mac concert, you're carrying a particularly strange load of baggage around with you. I have sympathy, but I do not have advice or understanding.

That's gangsta. When a thug goes down in a hail of bullets after they close with Go Your Own Way, props to your homies. Or something like that.

Fleetwood Mac? They're all still alive? I love Stevie Nicks. Is she still dating Don Felder? Someone's gonna call Don and say, "hey Don--some people got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert." And all Don's gonna say is, "man, that Stevie Nicks was &^%$@! crazy but she was amazing in bed. I bet I still have one of her gypsy scarves around here somewhere."

What the hell is wrong with me?

Then you start to say, well, it's a tragedy that anyone got shot. I'm not making light of the fact that someone got shot. I'm saying you got shot coming out of a Fleetwood Mac concert. And my brain broke in half trying to process this information. I could not put it in one side of the mind and bring it out the other without going--who gets shot after watching your dad's eighth favorite band play AM radio standards?

Tragedy--yes. Culturally impossible combination of events and situations and factors--oh, the hell yeah on that one.

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